7 Jan 2017 - Worrying re work

Worrying about going back to work and getting back in to a negative routine with some (SOME) negative people.

I had a text today from the people I share and office with.  They are not necessarily in my team but I work with them a lot when I am in the office and not traveling.  But before Xmas there was so much tension in the office and mainly from their manager and director.  Thankfully they both resigned before Xmas.  Now to me the manager and director were ok but I never trusted them totally and if you didn't fit right then you were not listened to and they didn't manage.  OMG they went in for the pay check but didn't listen or have great leadership skills.

This morning one of them (12 people in this office btw) txt me and said that they are all missing me and when am I coming back.  I was hesitant about saying but glad I did as she phone me and said that the atomosphere in the office has been fantastic and there have been some office changes (not to my desk thank god) but they are feeling like there are going to be some great changes this year and that the people that were so negative are coming out of their shells and actually feeling positive now the manager and director have gone.  They needed to go so let's see how that works.

I felt better after the talk with her.

I need to sort out my work life.  I start work at 7am and get home at 6pm (4 days a week I travel 1.5 hours in the morning and 1.5 hours to get home) and then back in my office with the above ladies on the Friday.  I need to organise my time better and work smarter not harder this year.  I don't know how I am going to do that with my schedule booked every day until the end of March already but I am going to try.

I can't say no to people and I have a boss that micro manages me... she says in comments that isn't a micro manager but OMG she is.  I have worked with this company for 12 years this July and I am good at what I do but I think my boss is threatened by me.  I mean for crying down the sink she lives 2 hours away and even if she lost her job I couldn't go for it as I am too away from head office.

I think she hates the fact that the other girls talk to me and I talk to them and we know our jobs better than she does.  I also think maybe I am thinking she doesn't trust me and that is why she is phoning me like 4 to 5 times a day but my other co-workers say that she doesn't hate or not trust me she is just wanting for us to be close.  Problem is.... I don't trust her.  She tells me one thing and then goes to my other colleagues and tells them a different version or not the full version.  So we have made a pact... especially my colleague I work with 4 days a week that anything we tell our boss whether it is our business or not then we will tell each other so we are both aware of what is happening in our area we are working.  That way she cannot manipulate us like she does.  It has started to work..... we are seeing what she is doing now and taking credit for things we come up with ..... it does our head in.

I can see you saying why don't you approach her OMG I tried that about 2 years ago with something and it wasn't much and she went bollistic and I suffered 2 years of hell for it.... and she did it to two others and they left and took a PG against her.  We can't say anything to HR as her hubby is like major major friends with the company owner.  Now this is a big big big big company ok... so there is no way we are going to win anything.... so we need to do our job (like we always do) but do it smarter.

So this year to help me do a better job and to take down the anxiety I have at work.

• I need to see C (my boss) as trying to keep in touch with me because I do do a good job
• That her phone calls are because she wants to help and not for being sinister
• I need to stop picking up the phone whenever she rings..... if I am in training (I am a trainer and auditor btw) then I am NOT going to pick up the phone for her but call her later and if I don't then she needs to get hold of me if it is urgent.  9.5 times out of 10 it is NOT URGENT for her to be ringing.
• I need to plan my day to be productive and to get the most out of them.
• When I am in the office on Fridays that I need to socialize with the girls but I need to make sure I get the right amount of work done and to be proactive in the reading up to up-skill my training.
• Keep in touch with my work mates (as my team is all over the country so we email and phone a lot as we don't work in the same office).  To make sure we are on the same page and that we are supporting each other.

This is what I am going to do and to keep coming back on here to make sure I remind myself.

I know this weight loss factors a lot of things and that if I am unhappy at work then I go for the takeaways and I do the eat in secret and I do the I don't care business but I want to be healthy and happy and I want BALANCE DAMMIT and I am not having that.... that is why I am so anxious all the time as I work on my work and I am damn good at what I do but I when I am doing that my family and my weight loss and my passions go on the way side.

Sorry..... had to get it out.

Leaving on a better note my hubby and I went out today taking photos and I wanted to be a little artistic so here are a couple for you.

This is the inside of a tree (called a Punga Tree)

4 Jan 2017 - Ten Pin Bowling, Kayaking and doing instead of buying.

I want to write but I get in front of the computer and I don't know what to write about.

I have tracked my weight watcher points for 4 days in a row now and Monday I weighed in at 145.8 kgs, Tuesday I weighed at 145.7 kgs and this morning I weighed in at 144.6 kgs  I am pleased with that.  So tracking works.

I am going to have a cheat day.... not really cheating and trying to do healthy choices but I am going to have one day a week where I can go over my points and have a little bit of treats.  Today was it.  I did a WW Ginger bread Recipe and OMG it was nice but each slice is 6 points and they are only the thickness of two fingers and the length of two fingers to the thumb (hope that makes sense) and it will take me over my points but in this case it is worth it and I did it.

We got up too late this morning and slept in.... and I always feel guilty about it but why should I when I am on holiday.  I don't ever get to sleep in on a working week as the weekends were are doing sports with my boys or chores etc so we have been sleeping in a bit.

Got up and went to my BIL laws rental place to check out the trees on the driveway as my BIL lives like 6 hours away and has asked if my boys would do some trimming and he will pay them $20 an hour which is good for teenagers.  So checked out what we needed to get to get the work done and tomorrow we will go and do that in the morning.

Went home after that and had lunch.  Had pita bread with tuna, lettuce, tomato and cheese yummmmmy and then decided we wanted to go ten pin bowling together as a family.  My 85 year old mum decided to go as well and we all enjoyed a great time bowling.  Got some photos but it is on my sons camera and he has it right now.

Got home around 4.30 and decided it would be great to get the kayaks and go down to the lake and have a paddle around for the first time this summer.  OMG we got the 3 kayaks on and we go the dog's life jacket (as well as ours) and headed down to the lake and when we got there it was so windy that we decided we would go tomorrow instead.  We wanted to check out the new trailer with the kayaks (well the second hand trailer) lol and it went well it was better than short me trying to hold the kayak on the roof rack of the car until hubby finished tying it down ARGHH

17 year old son is trying a WW recipe tonight "Baked Tortelini with tomato, olives & Ricotta with Salad" for dinner yummm

I have been thinking about what I want to do this year so much and I want to do instead of buy this year.  I want to go out on our bikes, kayaks and go to movies and go to quad biking and skating and mazes and concerts etc instead of buying things this year.  To have family time as the boys are getting older now and they will be going their own ways and I want to enjoy the time we have with them.  My oldest will be 18 this year OMG where has the time flown.

Thank you everyone for my comments.... you just don't know how much it inspires me to keep blogging and to keep up with this healthy journey.

2 Jan 2017 - Shocked me

Got up this morning and I know today isn't my weigh in day but I got on those scales DAMMIT!!!!  I shouldn't have gotten on the scales.  I gained.... but not taking that weight as tomorrow is my official weigh in day.  I was angry but I shouldn't be.... the scales don't lie and I need to take that in to consideration.

So after I jumped on the scales I had a shower and while sitting there in front of the mirror doing my make up and thinking about what clothes to wear I just burst in to tears (OMG it is happening a lot lately)  I looked in my cupboard and I have so so so many clothes but they don't fit me anymore.  That is my fault and I fool myself in to thinking it isn't but it is my fault.  I don't know why I think food is better than how I felt when I lost all that weight.  Food isn't.

So wiped the tears put on some make up and was straightening my hair with the straightener and I wasn't thinking and it dropped out of my hands.  I quickly grabbed it and OMG OMG OMG BURNT BURNT my thumb so bad that I threw down the straightener and went straight to put my thumb under cold water... I wanted to swear...... but

YOU KNOW WHAT...... maybe that was the thing I needed to pull myself out of this bloody nightmare.  Maybe burning my thumb was a wake up call to say GET YOURSELF OUT OF THE CLOUDS you  NEED TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT and YOU ARE PISS ARSING AROUND.  Shocking me... maybe that is the answer?

I want to lose this weight but I am the only one stopping me. I think I am not eating a lot but I am not tracking to know if I am or not.  When I did track I tracked after and that doesn't help as I have already eaten it for crying down the sink and then I am over points.

The thing is I don't want to not have naughty things I just need to work out how to portion them so I have mostly good healthy things but have treats.  I find when I feel like I am deprived then I want the naughty food soooooo much more.

A couple of days ago I sat down with hubby and we did a fortnightly plan (as we buy our food fortnightly) to jot down what I will eat so that I can pre plan (there might be changes but at least I tried)

It looks like this:

On the next double page I put what I ate and what WW points they were.  So that I can see if I keep to the plan or not or maybe what the main things are that I am eating and how to change those habits.  After my breakdown this morning I have realised that it isn't the exercise that is the problem it is the food.  So my first thing to do is to sort out my food and to plan and track and keep doing this. 

I lost my weight before because of the planning and tracking and then it just got too hard for me... stupid me.  

I am tracking in my Weight Watcher app but if I stop paying at some stage I lose all that I have tracked so at least this way I have what I tracked and how much I lost in that week to go back to and do again if things are not going well.  Hope this makes sense?

I hate doing New Year's Resolutions so I am going to do a January Resolution and then a February one and so on.

January Resolutions are:

• Track every day in January whether I am good or bad
• Do at least 2 days of exercise (if I can do more the better)
• Put a blog post up here every day

31 Dec 2016 - My Dad's Birthday

I want to celebrate New Years Eve.  I really do but it hurts.

It is my Dad's birthday and he has been gone for 16.5 years and I miss him so much.  I wish that my boys had gotten to know him.  They would have loved him just as much as I do.

My mother is 85 and lives with us and she is miserable every New Years Eve.  I know my Dad wouldn't want me or my mother to be like this on New Years Eve.

I want this year to be a joyful one and for me to lose 26 kilos (57 pounds) and for next New Years Eve to be a better one.  I want to go somewhere and celebrate as my Dad love partying and loved being around people he wouldn't have wanted the last 16 years of my New Years Eve's being miserable and being at home with not much going on.

Today I felt really good with myself:

• Went for a 40 minute walk
• Vacuumed our room
• Mopped the floor
• Chopped down a tree in our back yard and broke it down to fit on the trailer to take to the dump.
• Went for a swim doing some jogging in the pool

I felt so good about the exercise I did today.  I was sore and my muscles were screaming lol.  

Friends of ours were supposed to at our place at 5 pm and as usual they were late and got there about 6.30.  We had dinner and played cards and Cards against Humanity until midnight.  They were supposed to come for dinner and leave around 9.30 as he is a truck driver so we had ourselves all organised to go up to the top of the highest hill here and take photos of the fireworks etc.  

But!!!!!! they decided to stay which was good as I was enjoying playing cards but was so looking forward to taking photos too.

New Years Eve done and dusted again...... 

I just feel really down....... I want have fun... I am only in my 40's for crying down the sink.

30 Dec 2016 - I don't want this

Was feeling quite lethargic today and I think it is because we have been doing so much lately I haven't had a chance to just be.  When I am at work I am overworked (and underpaid) but I do way more than I should for the job I do because I care. but......

Anyway that wasn't what I was going to say.  I have been watching these two episodes on youtube.com

Supersize vs Superskinny Season 5 Ep1 Full
Supersize vs Superskinny Season 5 Ep2 Full

I don't want to be this fat anymore.  It has really made me think.  I need to plan and do and that is it.  I need to plan what I am going to eat and what exercise and then do...

I am so over not feeling happy.  I want to feel happy

29 Dec 2016 - Overwhelming!!!!!

I wasn't going to post a picture of me on my blog.. but I am... because I need to lose this weight and I need to feel like me and that I can get it out.

Today we went ice skating, hubby, me, 17 yr old and 15 yr old.

Had a blast as you can see.

I don't want to be fat anymore.

I am so scared this time of losing the weight.  I worked so hard to lose the 92lbs (42 kgs) last time and then gained it all back.  I am scared I won't be able to do it or that I will lose the weight and gain it back again

I don't know what to do.

I sat in my wardrobe this morning crying on the floor as it is summer here and I need to find jeans and t shirts to wear to go ice skating with and I was hot and bothered at 10 am in the morning and felt so bad that I had gotten myself to this position AGAIN....

I just don't know where to start.

I know food and exercise but I don't want it to consume my life again.  It consumed me with blogging and exercise and constantly worrying about food.  I want to live.... I want to lose the weight but the constant worrying about if I have eaten enough or right or if I have done the exercise did my head in.
I was afraid to do my scrap-booking or card making because I should be reading about weight loss or doing exercise.  I can't seem to do good at everything at once.

And in the last couple of years I have been concentrating on my career as I didn't really have one when the kids where younger and now I want to be recognized in my field and I want to succeed.  But for some reason my brain and body can't do the weight loss and the long hours at work.

I don't know what to do?  I felt so bad on the floor this morning.  Maybe because I am a Virgo I am wanting to be too perfect in everything but I can't seem to find a way my brain can handle it.

I want to read blogs of woman that are in the same boat... but not that they have lost the weight but are losing it and struggling just like me.  I am in awe of the woman that have lost the weight but I can't identify with them right now as I am jealous....lol... I know I am thinking too much.

When I lost the weight before I had people losing at the same time and we blogged and talked and encouraged each other and it was amazing.

I just feel like it is an overwhelming about of weight I have to lose that I can't get my head around it.  I can't work it out in chunks... my brain says nope nope nope you did that already.... you have to find another way.  Do I sound crazy?  I certainly feel crazy when I write this.

I am 144.9 kgs (318.8 lbs) and I want to be at 99 kgs (217.8 lbs) OMG that is 101 lbs to lose.  How the hell do I lose that?  I find that when I tell myself I have to give it all up that my head goes in a spin and I can't start.

LOST.....

Breakfast: 1 wholemeal bread, 1 egg, 1 smashed boiled potato
Lunch: Big Mac and chips (was out after ice skating) this wasn't a good choice at all and I regret it.
Dinner: Chicken, coleslaw, lettuce tomato

Writing this down I am seeing the choices aren't good.  When I am out of town I can choose better and it was a slack choice I made.  But again I have to learn about what is wrong for me and right for me and this makes me think.

Next time I will drive around until we make a better choice.

I am not going to be a Hippo anymore.  I have to keep reminding myself of that nasty cow...

28 Dec 2016 - Woodlands

28th December 2016 

As  you can see we went out again and took some photos today.  I wanted to stay home as we have been out so much lately and just chill as that is also what a Christmas Holiday should be but in this house it doesn't happen.  

So my 17 year old has his licence now (at 16 they can get their learners licence and then after about 6 months can go for their full licence) and wanted to go for a drive so we went for a drive in to the country with the 5 of us (my mum included) and had an ice cream along the way.

There is this beautiful woodlands park that you can go and take photos and walk around it with huge trees so thought it would be great to do that. 

A couple of photos below.  I would love to learn how to take better photos as I am getting in to this.  I got a Nikon DSLR camera for Christmas and it is just soooo much fun.

Went for a swim in our pool after all that in the afternoon and sat down in the sun.  It was so nice.  We were expecting hubby's mum and aunts to come for dinner so we couldn't spend too much time outside doing nothing.

It was a great dinner too.  We had roast lamb, salad, strawberries & ice cream for dinner.  Afterwards we played 'Cards against Humanity' and OMG we were laughing so much.  It is a very rude game and I thought that hubby's aunts and mum wouldn't like it but they had a ball and we didn't finish playing the game until like 11 pm (hubby's mum usually leaves around 8 pm) so that was a long night.

I really enjoyed having them over.

Working during the year I miss all this.  People don't tend to visit much in winter but in summer we are hardly home and in winter I am working too hard.

I feel more relaxed not being at work.  I love my job and what I do... I just hate that my boss lives a two hour drive away and is constantly micro managing me from far away.  I would like her to bugger off.  I have been doing my job for a long time and I don't need the micro managing.

I want more of this in my life.

Breakfast: Bagel & left over ham
Lunch: Nothing as were too busy out having fun (Oh there was that ice cream)
Dinner: Lamb, lettuce, tomato, couscous, boiled baby potato, carrot, olives, slice of feta, asparagus
Dessert: Strawberries & Ice cream

I am writing down my food so that I can make better choices and that I am being accountable.  Two lots of ice cream today wasn't good and I should have had lunch but we were out and time got away with us.

Exercise: Walked around gardens and had a swim

Weight this morning: 144.4 kgs