29 Dec 2016 - Overwhelming!!!!!

I wasn't going to post a picture of me on my blog.. but I am... because I need to lose this weight and I need to feel like me and that I can get it out.

Today we went ice skating, hubby, me, 17 yr old and 15 yr old.

Had a blast as you can see.

I don't want to be fat anymore.

I am so scared this time of losing the weight.  I worked so hard to lose the 92lbs (42 kgs) last time and then gained it all back.  I am scared I won't be able to do it or that I will lose the weight and gain it back again

I don't know what to do.

I sat in my wardrobe this morning crying on the floor as it is summer here and I need to find jeans and t shirts to wear to go ice skating with and I was hot and bothered at 10 am in the morning and felt so bad that I had gotten myself to this position AGAIN....

I just don't know where to start.

I know food and exercise but I don't want it to consume my life again.  It consumed me with blogging and exercise and constantly worrying about food.  I want to live.... I want to lose the weight but the constant worrying about if I have eaten enough or right or if I have done the exercise did my head in.
I was afraid to do my scrap-booking or card making because I should be reading about weight loss or doing exercise.  I can't seem to do good at everything at once.

And in the last couple of years I have been concentrating on my career as I didn't really have one when the kids where younger and now I want to be recognized in my field and I want to succeed.  But for some reason my brain and body can't do the weight loss and the long hours at work.

I don't know what to do?  I felt so bad on the floor this morning.  Maybe because I am a Virgo I am wanting to be too perfect in everything but I can't seem to find a way my brain can handle it.

I want to read blogs of woman that are in the same boat... but not that they have lost the weight but are losing it and struggling just like me.  I am in awe of the woman that have lost the weight but I can't identify with them right now as I am jealous....lol... I know I am thinking too much.

When I lost the weight before I had people losing at the same time and we blogged and talked and encouraged each other and it was amazing.

I just feel like it is an overwhelming about of weight I have to lose that I can't get my head around it.  I can't work it out in chunks... my brain says nope nope nope you did that already.... you have to find another way.  Do I sound crazy?  I certainly feel crazy when I write this.

I am 144.9 kgs (318.8 lbs) and I want to be at 99 kgs (217.8 lbs) OMG that is 101 lbs to lose.  How the hell do I lose that?  I find that when I tell myself I have to give it all up that my head goes in a spin and I can't start.

LOST.....

Breakfast: 1 wholemeal bread, 1 egg, 1 smashed boiled potato
Lunch: Big Mac and chips (was out after ice skating) this wasn't a good choice at all and I regret it.
Dinner: Chicken, coleslaw, lettuce tomato

Writing this down I am seeing the choices aren't good.  When I am out of town I can choose better and it was a slack choice I made.  But again I have to learn about what is wrong for me and right for me and this makes me think.

Next time I will drive around until we make a better choice.

I am not going to be a Hippo anymore.  I have to keep reminding myself of that nasty cow...