30 Dec 2016 - I don't want this

Was feeling quite lethargic today and I think it is because we have been doing so much lately I haven't had a chance to just be.  When I am at work I am overworked (and underpaid) but I do way more than I should for the job I do because I care. but......

Anyway that wasn't what I was going to say.  I have been watching these two episodes on youtube.com

Supersize vs Superskinny Season 5 Ep1 Full
Supersize vs Superskinny Season 5 Ep2 Full

I don't want to be this fat anymore.  It has really made me think.  I need to plan and do and that is it.  I need to plan what I am going to eat and what exercise and then do...

I am so over not feeling happy.  I want to feel happy

29 Dec 2016 - Overwhelming!!!!!

I wasn't going to post a picture of me on my blog.. but I am... because I need to lose this weight and I need to feel like me and that I can get it out.

Today we went ice skating, hubby, me, 17 yr old and 15 yr old.

Had a blast as you can see.

I don't want to be fat anymore.

I am so scared this time of losing the weight.  I worked so hard to lose the 92lbs (42 kgs) last time and then gained it all back.  I am scared I won't be able to do it or that I will lose the weight and gain it back again

I don't know what to do.

I sat in my wardrobe this morning crying on the floor as it is summer here and I need to find jeans and t shirts to wear to go ice skating with and I was hot and bothered at 10 am in the morning and felt so bad that I had gotten myself to this position AGAIN....

I just don't know where to start.

I know food and exercise but I don't want it to consume my life again.  It consumed me with blogging and exercise and constantly worrying about food.  I want to live.... I want to lose the weight but the constant worrying about if I have eaten enough or right or if I have done the exercise did my head in.
I was afraid to do my scrap-booking or card making because I should be reading about weight loss or doing exercise.  I can't seem to do good at everything at once.

And in the last couple of years I have been concentrating on my career as I didn't really have one when the kids where younger and now I want to be recognized in my field and I want to succeed.  But for some reason my brain and body can't do the weight loss and the long hours at work.

I don't know what to do?  I felt so bad on the floor this morning.  Maybe because I am a Virgo I am wanting to be too perfect in everything but I can't seem to find a way my brain can handle it.

I want to read blogs of woman that are in the same boat... but not that they have lost the weight but are losing it and struggling just like me.  I am in awe of the woman that have lost the weight but I can't identify with them right now as I am jealous....lol... I know I am thinking too much.

When I lost the weight before I had people losing at the same time and we blogged and talked and encouraged each other and it was amazing.

I just feel like it is an overwhelming about of weight I have to lose that I can't get my head around it.  I can't work it out in chunks... my brain says nope nope nope you did that already.... you have to find another way.  Do I sound crazy?  I certainly feel crazy when I write this.

I am 144.9 kgs (318.8 lbs) and I want to be at 99 kgs (217.8 lbs) OMG that is 101 lbs to lose.  How the hell do I lose that?  I find that when I tell myself I have to give it all up that my head goes in a spin and I can't start.

LOST.....

Breakfast: 1 wholemeal bread, 1 egg, 1 smashed boiled potato
Lunch: Big Mac and chips (was out after ice skating) this wasn't a good choice at all and I regret it.
Dinner: Chicken, coleslaw, lettuce tomato

Writing this down I am seeing the choices aren't good.  When I am out of town I can choose better and it was a slack choice I made.  But again I have to learn about what is wrong for me and right for me and this makes me think.

Next time I will drive around until we make a better choice.

I am not going to be a Hippo anymore.  I have to keep reminding myself of that nasty cow...

28 Dec 2016 - Woodlands

28th December 2016 

As  you can see we went out again and took some photos today.  I wanted to stay home as we have been out so much lately and just chill as that is also what a Christmas Holiday should be but in this house it doesn't happen.  

So my 17 year old has his licence now (at 16 they can get their learners licence and then after about 6 months can go for their full licence) and wanted to go for a drive so we went for a drive in to the country with the 5 of us (my mum included) and had an ice cream along the way.

There is this beautiful woodlands park that you can go and take photos and walk around it with huge trees so thought it would be great to do that. 

A couple of photos below.  I would love to learn how to take better photos as I am getting in to this.  I got a Nikon DSLR camera for Christmas and it is just soooo much fun.

Went for a swim in our pool after all that in the afternoon and sat down in the sun.  It was so nice.  We were expecting hubby's mum and aunts to come for dinner so we couldn't spend too much time outside doing nothing.

It was a great dinner too.  We had roast lamb, salad, strawberries & ice cream for dinner.  Afterwards we played 'Cards against Humanity' and OMG we were laughing so much.  It is a very rude game and I thought that hubby's aunts and mum wouldn't like it but they had a ball and we didn't finish playing the game until like 11 pm (hubby's mum usually leaves around 8 pm) so that was a long night.

I really enjoyed having them over.

Working during the year I miss all this.  People don't tend to visit much in winter but in summer we are hardly home and in winter I am working too hard.

I feel more relaxed not being at work.  I love my job and what I do... I just hate that my boss lives a two hour drive away and is constantly micro managing me from far away.  I would like her to bugger off.  I have been doing my job for a long time and I don't need the micro managing.

I want more of this in my life.

Breakfast: Bagel & left over ham
Lunch: Nothing as were too busy out having fun (Oh there was that ice cream)
Dinner: Lamb, lettuce, tomato, couscous, boiled baby potato, carrot, olives, slice of feta, asparagus
Dessert: Strawberries & Ice cream

I am writing down my food so that I can make better choices and that I am being accountable.  Two lots of ice cream today wasn't good and I should have had lunch but we were out and time got away with us.

Exercise: Walked around gardens and had a swim

Weight this morning: 144.4 kgs

27 Dec 2016 - Mountain Biking

Planned.... yes planned to go mountain biking and I was shit scared but I did it.  I was like a little screaming girl and I am 46 years old so I am certainly not a little girl.

We traveled an hour just to get to the red woods to do the mount biking.  15 yr old and hubby and me... it was only grade one track but it was scary on the hills coming down.  So these aren't our photos below but they are photos of where we went (that someone else took) just so you have an idea of what we did.

It was a lovely day with my hubby and youngest as we did lots of exercise and it was also relaxing (in a way) meaning that I didn't have my mum making us take her shopping.  We could just do what we wanted and feel like adults.  I know I am 46 (and I love my mum don't get me wrong) but sometimes we want to go out and explore our beautiful country but can't as she can't be left for a long time.  17 yr old there today as he doesn't like going out much.

We then had a picnic down by the lake and took photos with our camera's, as 15 yr old and I got Nikon DSLR cameras for our Xmas presents.  We had a ball just experimenting with shots.

A friend of ours came down and we went on the Suphur point bike track for some more biking and photo taking and went back to her place for a nice cold drink before the long drive back home.

Below are some of the photos on our trip. We didn't take photos while biking as we didn't want to fall off our bikes and smash our cameras (when we are better at biking we will though)

It was a brilliant day and we had such fun.

25 Dec 2016 - Christmas Day

I thought being Christmas day and my boys are 15 and 17 that they would sleep in on Christmas Day.... nope my 17 year old was the first at 7am to come upstairs and talk.  Think he was excited but didn't want to say.  The 15 year old wasn't too far behind. LOL.  I should have taken a photo.

We all had our showers and then was ready for breakfast.  Hubby's mum was coming over a 8.30 for breakfast and spend the day with us.  She seems more relaxed this year.  I have been with my husband for 27 years and I always feel like I am a disappointment to her.  This year she was more human it was great.  I even got the first Christmas day hug wow.... I still thought it was nice.

Breakfast was croissants, with cheese and tomato and it was yummmy.  It is like a tradition with us now.  Something a little naughty but still not too bad.

Then it is opening the presents.  My boys knew the big presents they were getting this year as I had to get my 17 son to choose his so I gave the 15 son the option to know what we have already brought him.  17 son got a laptop to the specifics he wants and 15 son got a Nikon DSLR.  I wanted to get them nice presents instead of a lot of money on stupid cheap presents.

My hubby got a laptop and he brought me a DSLR too OMG... so now I can take photos and go to a photography classes as I have always wanted to know more.

MIL gave us all vouchers for a shopping mall we have here in our home town and my 15 son she brought an inline hockey bag.  Hubby and I got an extra present from her which was $50 voucher to a movie theater and a book on bike trails we can go on in our country.  I love my new bike I got this year for my birthday and can't wait to try some of the bike trails.

Christmas Day was good and I ate a lot but figure it is one day to enjoy.  I tried to have as much healthy food as possible.  The things that weren't right were the croissant, bread, pavlova, wine and bourbon.  But I didn't eat massive amounts just small amounts.

Went for a bike ride and for a walk (walk was slow but we were taking photos with our cameras) today so wasn't totally sitting on my backside eating lol.

I am enjoying blogging again and hope to make so many new blog friends to make this journey an interesting one.

Food

Breakfast - Croissant, Ham, Cheese, Tomato
Lunch: Ham, Turkey, lettuce, tomato, couscous, boiled baby potatoes, carrot, asparagus, courgettes, pumpkin (quite healthy really)
Dessert: 1 slice of pavlova with cream
Dinner: Turkey, lettuce, tomato, 2 slices bread, mayonnaise
Drinks: 1 glass of wine, 1 bottle of water, honey bourbon, 1 coke zero

24 Dec 2016 - Christmas Eve

Last night we went for a 44 minute walk around the block.  All the way around I kept hearing in my head "hippo... the nasty woman called me hippo".  But then I thought it is inspiring me to keep going... because I am going to prove her wrong (or right maybe?)

But more than that I want to do this.

What I find interesting as that if we don't sort out our heads then we can't do this.  So I sabotaged myself....  not anyone else but me.  So I need to stop sabotaging myself.

We got up at 8am this morning and went for a walk.  I wanted to beat the time of this walk from yesterday so I was all gung ho.... but since we walked Charlie (our Cavoodle) as well then grrrr so many dogs out at that time.  It took us way too long and it looked like everyone and their dogs decided to walk at the same time.  But I went for the walk and that is the main thing.

My aim is to get at least 6,000 steps a day and anything else is a bonus as I don't usually make it to over 3,000 when working as I drive at 1 1/2 hours to my job and drive home 1 1/2 hours home 4 days a week and one day I am in my office where I live.

And my job involves a lot of sitting too arghhh so we are trying to get up at 6 am (on work days) and do my walk, get showed and changed for work and that way the exercise is done in the morning and no excuses for me not doing it when I get home as I am tired from all the driving.

Nightmare out there with people and shopping.  We went in for lettuce and tomatoes today for our Christmas lunch tomorrow and OMG the people were a nightmare!!!

Came home and managed to get things ready for our Christmas lunch tomorrow so we won't be working working working all day tomorrow for the lunch.

Thank you for the comments on my blog today it inspired me to keep going!!!!

THANKS and Merry Merry Merry Christmas

Food Today 

Breakfast - 2 Eggs, 2 Wholemeal bread, coffee
Lunch - Prawns, lettuce, carrot, tomato, avocado and garlic seasoning.
Dinner - Lamb curry (homemade by us with my eldest sons friends recipe... thanks Brad), rice, carrots, spinach, peas (I had one dinner roll and shouldn't but I did sigh... ) I will have to think more about what is going in my mouth
Water: 1000 ml of water today.  Not enough but at least I drank some as I hate water.

23 Dec 2016 - Out of my head

I have one year to do this.

I don't want to stuff around anymore.

I am going to blog out my feelings.  I am going to lose this weight.

Simple ways for this to happen

• Do at least 6,000 steps each day.  I can do more for sure but at least 6,000
• Track my food on my WW app

Simple

I am going to lose this weight.  

I am going to prove to that ugly woman that she will still be ugly but I will lose the weight and have a wonderful husband and beautiful family and she has a dysfunctional family because she isn't happy with herself.

Start Weight is: 145.5 kgs (320 lbs)

Goal Weight is: 80 kgs (176 lbs)

How much to go: 65.5 kgs (144 lbs)

................................................................

First Goal: 139 kgs (283.8 lbs)

How much to go: 6.5 kgs (14.3 lbs)